The 2008 Melbourne Championships have kicked off and I’ll be covering them live for PokerNews at http://crown.pokernews.com.  The first few events have gone smoothly and tonight I had my first opportunity to hit the felt in Event #3: $175 Pot Limit Holdem.  I was keen to hit the felt but as soon as I sat down I remember why I loathe live poker.  Idiot Crown regulars who think they know poker and talking shit.  These guys aren’t punk kids – those guys are at home killing it on the Internet.  These guys are the 50-60 year olds who are part of the furniture.

The wannabe to my direct left was driving me insane.  First he fired at a 6-3-3 board and took down a pot uncontested, and decided to flash the table a four.  “Look how good I am!” he exclaimed.  I’m not making this up, that’s what he said.  Well done mate, a four, you are clearly ‘good’.  It was at that point I realised that I’d left my media player in my room.  I really have to start using it at these idiotfests. 

A few hands later the same genius limped under-the-gun and 7 players saw a flop of 5-5-2.  He opened with a pot bet and was raised.  It folded around to the genius who also folded declaring “I had a two, I had to see where I was at”.  WTF?  You limped UTG with a two and you wanted to see where you were at?  You’ll be at the exit shortly, that’s where you’ll be at!  God.

If I wasn’t starting to tilt enough already, we had the extra confusion for these numpties of figuring out what a pot-sized bet means.  The first level is 25-25 and no-one, including the moronic dealer, could figure out what a pre-flop pot-sized bet was.  The first hand of the day, an opening raise to 125 was allowed.  We then twice had raises to 75 and again to 125.  Of course every time, the genius from above would inform the table what the bet should be.  “It’s 75 plus another 150” he’d say.  I normally like to let the dealer do his job and sit and stew in solence, but I eventually got fed up after another raise to 125 was allowed and I said “A pot raise is 100 at this level!  It’s not that hard!”

I picked up one decent pot, calling in position with Th 8h and raising the pre-flop aggressor on a 3-8-3-T board to take it down.  Otherwise I tried to stay patient.  When the TD said those magic words “Ok guys, grab a card, you’re on the move!” I grabbed a card in an instant and got the hell out of there.

I didn’t recognize anyone at this table except for Graeme Putt.  I couldn’t pick up a hand to get involved with, but again I found another genius on my direct right (why am I always seated next to these jokers?).  He would stall most hands over each decision, and would usually give the table some verbal diarrhoea before folding.  I would turn and stare at him and tell him to hurry the fuck up with my eyes.  I would’ve actually said something but all the other jokers seemed to know him and I didn’t want to have then form a joker army against me.

In a typical 7 way limped pot I held Jh 9h in the big blind and saw a flop of 2h Ts 7h.  A monster flop for me and I was happy to gamble here.  I decided to try a check-raise but the action checked around to Putt on the button who bet the pot of 700.  He only had 750 left, so i figured I didn’t have any fold equity against him so there was no point raising.  So I flat called to hope to drag someone else along.  No one did so I decided to just put him all in on the turn of 4c.  He called with Tc 9d.  So I had any jack, eight or heart.  15 outs, twice.  Of course the river is another fkn brick and he doubles up and I’m down to 1800.  I think I played it ok.  I could lead at the flop I guess and maybe he’d fold top pair.  I don’t know.  Very next hand I picked up Ad Qd in the small blind and re-raise all in over the top of an early position raisor.  He tanks for ages and I figure I’m in front and have him dominated or racing against a small pair.  Either way I’m happy to gamble and try and double.  He eventually calls and shows pocket queens!  “What the hell were you thinking about?”  I serious thought he was folding, and I don’t know why he slowrolled.  I have no idea how these moron’s brains work.  Of course I miss my ace and hit the rail nice and early.

There are a few other events I could play but I’m not sure.  I think I’d rather run my nails down a blackboard.  I think I might just play the HORSE next week.  LOLDonkaments.